REVIEW: Handguns – "Don’t Bite Your Tongue"

Handguns is one of the million bands doing the whole pop punk meets hardcore thing. What we have here is an EP of dudes singing stereotypical songs about how girls are mean. You know, the whole “you broke my heart” schtick. Which is obviously nothing new, especially given the genre. But, goddamnit, just because it is the genre norm does not make it any less stupid. The RIYL for this record is The Wonder Years, The Movielife, Fireworks, and Set Your Goals. Sounds about right.

Saves The Day, New Found Glory, The Movielife, and even Fall Out Boy could write this kind of stuff without it being fucking terrible. Not the case here. I mean, musically, this is pretty standard stuff. It sounds like any Drive Thru Records type band (circa 2000-2005). If that was your bag, then this is up your alley. But, the lyrics are fucking terrible.

“Scream Goodbye” give us this gem:
“I don’t regret a thing I did, I don’t regret a thing I said.

I’d drive nails into my ears to get your voice out of my head.
And I would rather die, or staple gun my eyes, than have to see your face again,
You’re wasting all my time.”

“I Hope He Kills You” give us:
“You’re always on the wrong side of the turnpike.

I want to choke myself to death with the phone line.
‘Go your own way and I’ll be with you,’

but nothing that you ever say could make me hate you.”

(Sidebar: Fuck you guys for quoting Further Seems Forever in your goofy song. Especially when that song seems like an attempt to write a song like “Hope.” You are not the Descendents, you will never write a song like “Hope,” so stop.)
Basically, this is generic radio punk with generic lyrics. Seven songs at just about 18 minutes. I have listened to this record a few time in preparation for this review. I want my time back. Although, at 26, I am not the target demographic for this. Somewhere, an angst ridden 15 year old boy is stoked. So, why not give him some garbage that objectifies and degrades women? I mean, the only reason women exist is to serve as love interest props for guys to sing about, right? It will make you a quick buck. The current Warped Tour scene will eat it up.
No fucking thanks.

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